the walking dead recap: episode 9

Sundays finally have meaning again. Welcome back to Sheriff Rick, Daryl and a bunch of insignificant others! My only issue with the winter premiere? IT WAS WAY TOO SHORT! Did anyone else feel totally ripped off?? It’s ok, I’m over it. We have the show back and I am content.

So, because I am opinionated and like to share those opinions, every Sunday (or sometimes Monday) you can now look forward to not only The Walking Dead, but also my recaps! Yay for you! Yay for me! Yay for TWD being back!

:)))))))))))) (super fat happy face, because I am super fat and super happy right now)

TWD-S3B-Key-Art-560-v2-1

****SPOILER ALERT!!!****

We start out with one of the most traumatizing situations, a) Daryl is in danger, b) it is literally a fight to the death with the Governor watching over and c) Daryl is in danger. On a plus side, we witness Andrea, aka grumpy whore, actually try speaking up for someone?! Wow, you go girl.

THANKFULLY, my main man Rick swoops in and saves the day (yet again) and my palms can stop sweating. Rick, I love you. You look good in plaid.

Aaaaand roll credits as I get up to get some delicious treats.

WOOO ZOMBIES! WOOO DARYL’S CROSSBOW! When the group reunites with Michonne and Glenn, they have some discussion about Merle. Glenn loves Maggie, Michonne loves Andrea, Rick loves me, but basically everybody is pissed as f at Merle. We get it. And then LOL Rick just knocks him out. Bye Merle.

A week?! That baby looks way too fat to be a week old…WTF Herschel. Then Beth is all “the baby isn’t mine” but in her head is all “but I totally wish it was”. What a little prostitute (sorry, Beth). Some racist jokes are made, then Carl sulks out like the man he is (sarcasm intended). Cool scene.

DARYL DIXON! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO! The group is all “what about Carol”, but they don’t even ask how I feel about this. Rude. And poor Michonne gets the boot from Rick. But who cares because DARYL IS GONE! My heart slowly crumbles into nothingness…

Dang, what is with these newbies. Shaaaaddddyyy. I don’t even understand that one dude’s plan. Just go bury your friend and stop being so sneaky.

OMG BRAINS! FINALLY! Glenn is all mad at Rick, proving his manliness and love for Maggie even more. Team Glaggie!! (LOLOL) Ahhh so much yelling, you’re stressing me out!! Play nice boys!

Shut up Woodsbury. Yea, everyone should go ahead and leave. See how long you’d last in that floor length skirt hahaha seriously. They yell some things and other people yell back. Exciting. And then walkers invade and kill everyone. Just kidding. But one does bite this man and the Governor just walks out of his house, kills him and goes back inside. Looked like he was walking the runway. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR LEADER NOW, TEAM WOODSBURY?!

Carol finds out about Daryl and goes bananas…runs around in circles, starts ripping out her hair, and bawls uncontrollably as she assumes fetal position. Well not exactly, but that’s what I would have done. And Carl asks about Oscar…who I totally forgot about because he was so irrelevant.

Back to Woodsbury, where Andrea resumes being a grumpy whore. GTFO. Not even the Governor likes you and he is a bottom feeding prick.

HAHAHAHAHAHA BETH!!!! GET AWAY FROM RICK. YOU’RE TEN!!! Plus, he’s mine. Sidenote: Herschel has a cool ponytail. Rick storms angrily past the newbies and holds little Ass Kicker (I refuse to call her Judith). He is so tormented :( When Rick is sad, I am sad. So I am now sad.

The nerdy dude from Woodbury (for some reason I want to call him Gilbert…so I will) Gilbert takes his glasses off and puts them back on again hahaha. Then Andrea give some speech about rebuilding your soul and people get emotional, meanwhile I’m sitting here like “You are dumb as rocks, shut up”.  Andrea sucks.

I cannot deal with Beth this episode. PUT THE DANG BABY DOWN. PUT. THE. BABY. DOWN. IT IS NOT YOURS. And stop bringing up Daryl, can’t you see it’s torturing Carol???!! And me!!!

Herschel gets all emotional with Glenn and Maggie and it is all very touching. Except when he calls Glenn his son…because then does that make the Glaggie  relationship incest?! Boom. Think about that one.

Rick finally goes to deal with the newbies. But he isn’t really being very nice. Come on Rick, listen to Tyrone (is that his name?) and Herschel! Let them join Team Rick! THEN THE DEMON HERSELF APPEARS! LORI. I THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF YOU. LEAVE RICK ALONE! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.

And we end on Rick going literally insane and scaring the newbies away. Poor Rick. I really want to support your decisions but you scare me sometimes. Stop being so psycho! Just kidding, I love you, lets hug it out.

TEAM RICK: They’ll never recover from the tragic loss of Daryl, Carl thinks he’s rough, and Beth is a prostitute. (Also I discovered Glenn and Maggie’s couple name is Glaggie…I cannot breathe this is so funny)

TEAM WOODSBURY: Nobody likes Andrea.

TEAM ZOMBIE: Not nearly cool enough for a premiere episode. Give me more guts, guys!

FAVOURITE MOMENT: After he tries convincing Rick to let the newbies stay…Herschel breathes heavily, with a whistling nose, for 348765 hours. GIANT LOL.

What did you think of the winter premiere?!!

XX, K

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